2650: Have a Good Life

Andrea_Allan · 06-12-2017, 09:11 PM

with Mike Brown, Brandon Collins, and Andrea Allan – Chemda hosting solo; Brandon getting knocked out despite his black belt in Taekwondo; The Decepticomics; Insane Clown Posse and the Juggalos; growing up in New York; the second chapter of Chemda’s email correspondence with her mother; Al-Anon and toxic relationships

Guests:
Andrea Allan

Brandon Collins

Mike Brown

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snowflake · 06-13-2017, 08:09 AM

No, please don't do this to yourself.

I recently gave my mother another chance. It was a huge mistake. I knew within 5 minutes.

Even your mother, her response to your email is JUST WHAT YOU SAID YOU DON'T WANT. It's dismissive of all your concerns and feelings. And yeah I'm sure "have a nice life" is sincere. Its still passive aggressive; what her reply says is that its not her fault and it's up to you to get over it. she's not meeting you half way at all.

No matter how many times I think I can include my mother in my life its a mistake, whether its to be there when i need support (she kicks me when I'm down), to celebrate successes (she criticizes them or ignores them) or to just be a part of my life (everything is about her or she shuts me out). this last time I realized that I can love her and not have her in my life. Because she's just going to be mean and nothing i share will be good enough.

she missed your wedding. she went to the grand canyon when you had your tumor removed. don't let her hurt you, it doesn't matter if your strong enough to with stand it YOU DON'T HAVE TO. You have a beautiful life full of people you love WHO LOVE YOU BACK. Don't waste energy on someone who sabotages and hurts you.

While driving my mother home from Nashville (so she could save money on a flight, and not have to drive a rental, and i JUST started driving 6 months ago) AND I drove her 6+ hours both way and got no thank you. she yelled at me "well you just do whatever you want to do" in the most passive aggressive tone. I thought of you and keith when I replied "you're goddamn right I do."

Do you. See her if you want, and if you do, break a plate and tell us. But she doesn't deserve you. If she cares let her try to come to you. I wish you the best no matter what. Good luck.

snowflake · 06-13-2017, 08:11 AM

also... FUCK YOU TONI! lol jk jk jk jk I love you Mike Brown!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lanfear · 06-13-2017, 09:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by snowflake

No, please don't do this to yourself.

I recently gave my mother another chance. It was a huge mistake. I knew within 5 minutes.

Even your mother, her response to your email is JUST WHAT YOU SAID YOU DON'T WANT. It's dismissive of all your concerns and feelings. And yeah I'm sure "have a nice life" is sincere. Its still passive aggressive; what her reply says is that its not her fault and it's up to you to get over it. she's not meeting you half way at all.

No matter how many times I think I can include my mother in my life its a mistake, whether its to be there when i need support (she kicks me when I'm down), to celebrate successes (she criticizes them or ignores them) or to just be a part of my life (everything is about her or she shuts me out). this last time I realized that I can love her and not have her in my life. Because she's just going to be mean and nothing i share will be good enough.

she missed your wedding. she went to the grand canyon when you had your tumor removed. don't let her hurt you, it doesn't matter if your strong enough to with stand it YOU DON'T HAVE TO. You have a beautiful life full of people you love WHO LOVE YOU BACK. Don't waste energy on someone who sabotages and hurts you.

While driving my mother home from Nashville (so she could save money on a flight, and not have to drive a rental, and i JUST started driving 6 months ago) AND I drove her 6+ hours both way and got no thank you. she yelled at me "well you just do whatever you want to do" in the most passive aggressive tone. I thought of you and keith when I replied "you're goddamn right I do."

Do you. See her if you want, and if you do, break a plate and tell us. But she doesn't deserve you. If she cares let her try to come to you. I wish you the best no matter what. Good luck.

I agree with all of this and I'm in very minimal contact with my mother as well so I completely get it but my father and siblings are pretty great so cutting off all contact is not really feasible for me.

I voted Chemda should try an in person meeting while her parents are in town because clearly email communication is not working and talking on the phone while mom is just a mile away might feel unnecessarily strange and give a bad vibe.
As terrible as that sounds experiencing the full extend of rudeness in person without the blame that can be given to language/technology barriers can be a nice confirmation that you are indeed doing the right thing by breaking contact.

Steph · 06-13-2017, 08:48 AM

Chemda, I see absolutely no indication that your mother has changed at all and is ready to engage with you as an adult human being.

If you choose to engage with your parents again, there is only one way to do it. You have to enter into in with the mindset of fully accepting them as they are, with all of their limitations. They have given absolutely no indication that they have changed in any way. If you want a relationship with them, it has to be with them as they are, not as you wish they were. They are NOT GOING TO CHANGE.

You have made yourself very clear to them. There does not seem to have been one iota of self-reflection on their part. Stop torturing yourself and let them go. At this point you can decide to work on yourself to the point that nothing they say or do could bother you, and engage with them in the manner that they are able, or you can let the relationship go and acknowledge that as painful as that is, it is the best thing you can do for yourself. It is the ultimate act of self-love to let go of a relationship that only harms you. It is not selfish, because by declaring that level of self-love and respect for yourself and who you are you are modeling to the many, many people out there who listen to you that they are capable of the same thing. Imagine if everyone refused to stay in relationships that were harmful and abusive?

It is very, very, sad, but your parents are not capable of giving you what you need. Instead of focusing on that, focus on the many, many amazing people who love you exactly as you are and are capable of not only giving you what you need but encouraging you to go further and higher in your development as a human being. Seriously, why waste your time with anyone who does not remotely recognize what an amazing human you are.

Again, the only reason to engage with your parents is that you feel sorry for them. I don't get the sense that this is what you want. If you want to give them a part of yourself because you want to be selfless in that way, you can choose to do that, but the only thing you will get in return is a sense of pride in yourself for being able to be so selfless. They are not going to give you back anything other than that. I don't get the sense that this is where you are at. Spending time with them will only cause you pain and will also cause them pain.

Cheryl Strayed who wrote the book Wild has a podcast called Dear Sugar, and she talks about how she has chosen not to have a relationship with her father anymore, because she came to realize she could not engage with him and also take care of herself. Paul Gilmartin same thing with his mom. This is never an easy decision, but ultimately it is about choosing yourself. Your parents are adult human beings and you are not responsible for their happiness. It is sad that our culture teaches parents something different, that our children are supposed to stay loyal to us no matter what, but it just isn't true.

Sending you so much love.

Steph Ellis

memecherry · 06-13-2017, 03:51 PM

I fired my dad from my life years ago...

Has helped me get better about pulling the plug on toxic relationships in the last few years...

People show you who they are, it's hard to change, most people don't.

If you feel compelled to "try one more time" I agree you show up fully in your truth:

your husband
your job
your life choices

She either taps into some mother instinct that might live inside her & realize you are an amazing daughter, or she might not, and that would be HER loss.

FingerLakes · 06-13-2017, 09:07 PM

she's NEVER going to give you what you want Chemda.
Either she doesn't know how or doesn't care.
She isn't even going to give you a proper goodbye with all this "you'll always be my daughter. call me."
She's going to dick you around, guilt you and then ignore your husband and your career and massive success.

Unless the subject of the next email she sends you is "I've been to therapy and i want to apologize" stay the heck away from her.

flerchin · 06-13-2017, 11:11 PM

Hugs.

Here it is; We love you. Your chosen family loves you, supports you, and believes in you. Your successes are truly awe-inspiring, and your bravery in the face of a 6 pound tumor is unmatchable.

Over empathizing, and allowing others to take advantage of that trait, is your biggest weakness. It's not surprising that your mom is exploiting it.

More hugs.

Todd · 06-14-2017, 09:50 AM

It will be difficult, but try to become the passive member in this situation, just as you're trying to sometimes let someone else be the outing planner.

You feel terrible when you reach out to your mother and are not met with the same effort. You feel guilty when you actively cut her out of your life as toxic.

Just as it's not fair for you to always have the responsibility of planning activities and destinations and contingencies, it's not fair for you to feel you always have to be the one making the decisions on the course of your relationship with your mother.

Let her know that you are ready and waiting to talk. Make yourself available to her when she wants to meet you on your terms, realizing that it may be never. If she reaches out again but with the same superficiality, let her know "I guess we're not ready to talk, then."

Don't agonize with "how much am I willing to accept to get things rolling again?" I know you probably will, but please try--for your own emotional well-being.

FingerLakes · 06-13-2017, 01:26 PM

again
only if it's in the studio with the cameras on and only if Keith disguises himself as Chemda and does all the talking.

otherwise mom can gtfo

View Poll Results: Should Chemda meet with her mother now that she's in town?
Yes	8	17.78%
No	22	48.89%
Yes and break a plate	15	33.33%
Voters: 45. You may not vote on this poll

06-12-2017, 09:11 PM	#1 (permalink)
Andrea_Allan Member Join Date: Jan 2017 Posts: 75	2650: Have a Good Life with Mike Brown, Brandon Collins, and Andrea Allan – Chemda hosting solo; Brandon getting knocked out despite his black belt in Taekwondo; The Decepticomics; Insane Clown Posse and the Juggalos; growing up in New York; the second chapter of Chemda’s email correspondence with her mother; Al-Anon and toxic relationships Guests: Andrea Allan Brandon Collins Mike Brown Share this episode: Twitter, Facebook & email Get the show: on iTunes, on Stitcher and RSS feed
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06-13-2017, 08:09 AM	#2 (permalink)
snowflake Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2014 Location: Cincinnati Posts: 112	No, please don't do this to yourself. I recently gave my mother another chance. It was a huge mistake. I knew within 5 minutes. Even your mother, her response to your email is JUST WHAT YOU SAID YOU DON'T WANT. It's dismissive of all your concerns and feelings. And yeah I'm sure "have a nice life" is sincere. Its still passive aggressive; what her reply says is that its not her fault and it's up to you to get over it. she's not meeting you half way at all. No matter how many times I think I can include my mother in my life its a mistake, whether its to be there when i need support (she kicks me when I'm down), to celebrate successes (she criticizes them or ignores them) or to just be a part of my life (everything is about her or she shuts me out). this last time I realized that I can love her and not have her in my life. Because she's just going to be mean and nothing i share will be good enough. she missed your wedding. she went to the grand canyon when you had your tumor removed. don't let her hurt you, it doesn't matter if your strong enough to with stand it YOU DON'T HAVE TO. You have a beautiful life full of people you love WHO LOVE YOU BACK. Don't waste energy on someone who sabotages and hurts you. While driving my mother home from Nashville (so she could save money on a flight, and not have to drive a rental, and i JUST started driving 6 months ago) AND I drove her 6+ hours both way and got no thank you. she yelled at me "well you just do whatever you want to do" in the most passive aggressive tone. I thought of you and keith when I replied "you're goddamn right I do." Do you. See her if you want, and if you do, break a plate and tell us. But she doesn't deserve you. If she cares let her try to come to you. I wish you the best no matter what. Good luck. Keith, The Girl, memecherry and 5 others like this. __________________ some people say each snowflake is unique and different. . . but they all look the same to me. on tumors/cancer: "God's got jokes."-Keith
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06-13-2017, 08:11 AM	#3 (permalink)
snowflake Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2014 Location: Cincinnati Posts: 112	also... FUCK YOU TONI! lol jk jk jk jk I love you Mike Brown!!!!!!!!!!!! The Girl, memecherry and Sparrow like this.
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06-13-2017, 08:48 AM	#5 (permalink)
Steph Member Join Date: Sep 2016 Posts: 44	Your mom is not going to change Chemda, I see absolutely no indication that your mother has changed at all and is ready to engage with you as an adult human being. If you choose to engage with your parents again, there is only one way to do it. You have to enter into in with the mindset of fully accepting them as they are, with all of their limitations. They have given absolutely no indication that they have changed in any way. If you want a relationship with them, it has to be with them as they are, not as you wish they were. They are NOT GOING TO CHANGE. You have made yourself very clear to them. There does not seem to have been one iota of self-reflection on their part. Stop torturing yourself and let them go. At this point you can decide to work on yourself to the point that nothing they say or do could bother you, and engage with them in the manner that they are able, or you can let the relationship go and acknowledge that as painful as that is, it is the best thing you can do for yourself. It is the ultimate act of self-love to let go of a relationship that only harms you. It is not selfish, because by declaring that level of self-love and respect for yourself and who you are you are modeling to the many, many people out there who listen to you that they are capable of the same thing. Imagine if everyone refused to stay in relationships that were harmful and abusive? It is very, very, sad, but your parents are not capable of giving you what you need. Instead of focusing on that, focus on the many, many amazing people who love you exactly as you are and are capable of not only giving you what you need but encouraging you to go further and higher in your development as a human being. Seriously, why waste your time with anyone who does not remotely recognize what an amazing human you are. Again, the only reason to engage with your parents is that you feel sorry for them. I don't get the sense that this is what you want. If you want to give them a part of yourself because you want to be selfless in that way, you can choose to do that, but the only thing you will get in return is a sense of pride in yourself for being able to be so selfless. They are not going to give you back anything other than that. I don't get the sense that this is where you are at. Spending time with them will only cause you pain and will also cause them pain. Cheryl Strayed who wrote the book Wild has a podcast called Dear Sugar, and she talks about how she has chosen not to have a relationship with her father anymore, because she came to realize she could not engage with him and also take care of herself. Paul Gilmartin same thing with his mom. This is never an easy decision, but ultimately it is about choosing yourself. Your parents are adult human beings and you are not responsible for their happiness. It is sad that our culture teaches parents something different, that our children are supposed to stay loyal to us no matter what, but it just isn't true. Sending you so much love. Steph Ellis Keith, The Girl, ThePinkSuperhero and 4 others like this.
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06-13-2017, 03:51 PM	#6 (permalink)
memecherry Senior Member Join Date: May 2006 Location: SF Bay Area, CA Posts: 1,028	I fired my dad from my life years ago... Has helped me get better about pulling the plug on toxic relationships in the last few years... People show you who they are, it's hard to change, most people don't. If you feel compelled to "try one more time" I agree you show up fully in your truth: your husband your job your life choices She either taps into some mother instinct that might live inside her & realize you are an amazing daughter, or she might not, and that would be HER loss.
(Offline)

06-13-2017, 09:07 PM	#7 (permalink)
FingerLakes Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2015 Location: Hollow Bastion Posts: 1,887	(real answer) she's NEVER going to give you what you want Chemda. Either she doesn't know how or doesn't care. She isn't even going to give you a proper goodbye with all this "you'll always be my daughter. call me." She's going to dick you around, guilt you and then ignore your husband and your career and massive success. Unless the subject of the next email she sends you is "I've been to therapy and i want to apologize" stay the heck away from her. The Girl, memecherry, Lanfear and 1 others like this. Last edited by FingerLakes; 06-13-2017 at 09:11 PM.
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06-13-2017, 11:11 PM	#8 (permalink)
flerchin Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Dallas, TX 5'11" 200# Posts: 885	Hugs. Here it is; We love you. Your chosen family loves you, supports you, and believes in you. Your successes are truly awe-inspiring, and your bravery in the face of a 6 pound tumor is unmatchable. Over empathizing, and allowing others to take advantage of that trait, is your biggest weakness. It's not surprising that your mom is exploiting it. More hugs. The Girl, memecherry, Lanfear and 1 others like this.
(Offline)

06-14-2017, 09:50 AM	#9 (permalink)
Todd Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 340	It will be difficult, but try to become the passive member in this situation, just as you're trying to sometimes let someone else be the outing planner. You feel terrible when you reach out to your mother and are not met with the same effort. You feel guilty when you actively cut her out of your life as toxic. Just as it's not fair for you to always have the responsibility of planning activities and destinations and contingencies, it's not fair for you to feel you always have to be the one making the decisions on the course of your relationship with your mother. Let her know that you are ready and waiting to talk. Make yourself available to her when she wants to meet you on your terms, realizing that it may be never. If she reaches out again but with the same superficiality, let her know "I guess we're not ready to talk, then." Don't agonize with "how much am I willing to accept to get things rolling again?" I know you probably will, but please try--for your own emotional well-being.
(Offline)

06-13-2017, 01:26 PM	#10 (permalink)
FingerLakes Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2015 Location: Hollow Bastion Posts: 1,887	again only if it's in the studio with the cameras on and only if Keith disguises himself as Chemda and does all the talking. otherwise mom can gtfo memecherry and snowflake like this.
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