10: Married and Available

[The Girl]

Comedian Erin Judge talks about being in a non-monogamous relationship with her husband.

erin judge - comedian


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[Junkenstein]

this show is perfetc. it makes me understand and get in depth with people id never get in depth with otherwise.

and i say this cause i still had acceptance and interest towards erin J. even if every single thing she said enforced my idea that she is a bit delusional adn dysfunctional. Not the non-monogamous thing, but how she describes it.... felt like she was so focused on defning her relationship as "special" that she ignores the red flags

still, great great interview. Chemda is magic.

[Dean from Australia]

I had trouble with this guest. While I have no problems with the non monogamous thing, I think this girl still battles with the concept whilst portraying an air of "Oh - I'm so comfortable with it".

First episode I didn't get to the end of - but that's no slight on Chemda. I agree with Junkenstein - she is a better interviewer than Michael Parkinson.

[archicat]

I really enjoyed this episode, nice to finally see a different side to non-monogamous relationships that isn't portrayed often. In fact it was so interesting that I listened to it twice, got different things from it each time (or am I bad listener? Who's to say). Personally I love the relationship talk and hearing about all the different strokes for different folks. Great episode, I look forward to the next one.

[Keith]

Originally Posted by Dean from Australia

I had trouble with this guest. While I have no problems with the non monogamous thing, I think this girl still battles with the concept whilst portraying an air of "Oh - I'm so comfortable with it".

I have to kill your favorite hunting dog and disagree. I always knew it wasn't roses, and by hearing the negatives I could finally appreciate the positives.

What I'm trying to say is that Cat and I are now swingers.

[Junkenstein]

youll do fine at that, i'm sure. best vibes to you and cat.

[Keith]

Can you imagine?

[Dean from Australia]

Originally Posted by archicat

I really enjoyed this episode, nice to finally see a different side to non-monogamous relationships that isn't portrayed often. In fact it was so interesting that I listened to it twice, got different things from it each time (or am I bad listener? Who's to say). Personally I love the relationship talk and hearing about all the different strokes for different folks. Great episode, I look forward to the next one.

Don't get me wrong, I love relationship talk and I don't even mind this non monogomy discussion. But there was something that just didn't click with me during this episode or this guest.

I did give it another listen this morning and listened right to the end but I still found I wasn't gelling with the guest. I suspect that she isn't comfortable with the lifestyle as she portrays.

Originally Posted by Keith

What I'm trying to say is that Cat and I are now swingers.

Does that mean you're smoking some cock now???

I too, am looking forward to the next episode.

[Sovereign Curtis]

polyamory ftw

[pinkandsparkly]

Thank you again for this awesome podcast... Chemda, thank you for your great inquisitive nature, and Erin, thank you for discussing this publicly. Those of us in non-monogamous relationships need to be able to discuss our relationships without the first response being, "It's because you're open," when a problem arises. Every relationship has it's problems, and when they happen, we need to be able to see how others in similar situations feel and solve their own problems.

As I mentioned on the FB event page, my partner and I are in a long-term, committed, non-monogamous relationship. We've only been together a year now, but we are perfect for each other and both of us hope this continues for a long time. Much like Erin and her husband, we both have always resisted traditional marriage. In fact, I've been engaged... uhhh, TWICE... and the second one was the one who introduced me to KATG, so I won't talk about him too much. I will say that I ended that engagement because I just KNEW that a traditional, monogamous relationship was NOT for me.

When my current BF and I met, this was laid out on the table pretty early. We both said that we didn't want marriage or children. Long story short, while we were pretty monogamous for the first few months of our relationship, I knew it would eventually become non-monogamous. I value his role in my life and knew he wasn't familiar with being "open," so we took it quite slowly. It also didn't help that the women who came before me cheated, lied, and betrayed him. So we've worked our way into this non-monogamous territory together.

It's taken a lot of work to get our relationship to this point, but now we both think it's a VERY successful relationship. We are honest, loyal, and communicate better than most married couples. But like I said, when we hit a road block in the future, we'd like to be able to consult with other couples that are out of the non-monogamous closet. So thanks for speaking up.

There were a few things that I really enjoyed hearing you discuss:

- Your relationship with your husband takes priority.
We are the same way. Sex outside of our relationship is great and encouraged, but developing long-term, emotional connections is not. This helps alleviate the fear of one partner leaving for another. A lot of this also requires confidence. Confidence in ourselves, confidence in each other, and confidence in our relationship. I have to constantly "work" (though it doesn't feel like work), to ensure that my BF knows that no matter what happens, I'm coming home to him. You mentioned later in the episode about how you can be in love with multiple people, but you CHOOSE to make a life with this person, and that makes it different. I feel very similar.

In my own situation, I have a friend of 10+ years where he and I share a tight physical and emotional attachment. And while I love this other person (like you, I love multiple people), he's not who I want to build a life with. Fortunately, he lives several states away and I only see him once or twice a year, but nevertheless, I work hard to show my BF how important he is, even if this other guy is in my life. A lot of that comes from trust and confidence in our relationship. I would never compromise my relationship with my partner for a non-relationship with this other guy, and my boyfriend has the confidence to know this.

Also, much like your husband did with you, it's important my boyfriend be confident enough to say, "Hey, you're acting like an idiot" if the friendship with my other friend (or anyone) ever went too far. He can't say, "Oh, you must love him more than me, I guess we're done," because that's not the case. I've committed to him (my BF), but occasionally we all make mistakes. Having a solid relationship with a partner who feels comfortable discussing these things is CRUCIAL to our success.

- This isn't a daily occurrence, and doesn't define your relationship.
I appreciate that you've said this. Our relationship is so much more than sex. This is just a small piece of it, and while it's important (as sex is in most relationships), it's not necessarily the priority. Like you, if he said one night, "Hey, I need you to come home," we'd talk about it and I'd come home if I needed to. Our relationship comes first above everything else. Regardless of the type of relationship one has, there will ALWAYS be difficulties. We look to the root of the problem to figure out why it's difficult and why we're feeling the way we are, just like any other couple would, I imagine.

- Write your OWN rules!
I love this... our relationship has rules. In monogamous relationships, I think sexual curiosity and rules don't get discussed or solidly established NEAR enough. Is it okay for your partner to look at the opposite sex? What about fantasizing about them? Anyone in particular? Someone you both know? Do you want to know if your partner is attracted to someone else? These things come up in EVERY relationship. We just talk about them far more often than most monogamous couples, and our lines of what's okay tend to be further stretched than most.

- Betrayal
I LOVE LOVE LOVE how you explained betrayal. This makes so much sense! I LOATHE when people say, "How can someone cheat if you guys are allowed to see other people?" Uhm, because cheating isn't just sex. It's deception and lies! It's also breaking the rules and not respecting our relationship.


Anyway, big thanks to both of you awesome ladies. It's fun hearing about others in similar situations and how they deal with problems or issues that arise. I appreciate your open honesty.