2650: Have a Good Life

[Andrea_Allan]

with Mike Brown, Brandon Collins, and Andrea Allan – Chemda hosting solo; Brandon getting knocked out despite his black belt in Taekwondo; The Decepticomics; Insane Clown Posse and the Juggalos; growing up in New York; the second chapter of Chemda’s email correspondence with her mother; Al-Anon and toxic relationships

Guests:
Andrea Allan


Brandon Collins


Mike Brown



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[Enunciated Piffle]

Nope.

[Lanfear]

Yes meet her at least then you can tell yourself you gave it a serious try but meet on neutral ground so if necessary you can storm out (or calmly walk away if you insist on this whole adult thing).

[Keith]

How many serious tries does someone have to give before they gave it a serious try?

[Lanfear]

Originally Posted by Keith

How many serious tries does someone have to give before they gave it a serious try?

As many as it takes to be reasonably OK with it for yourself. Chemda didn't sounds like she is 100% done but that is something only she can decide.

[snowflake]

No, please don't do this to yourself.

I recently gave my mother another chance. It was a huge mistake. I knew within 5 minutes.

Even your mother, her response to your email is JUST WHAT YOU SAID YOU DON'T WANT. It's dismissive of all your concerns and feelings. And yeah I'm sure "have a nice life" is sincere. Its still passive aggressive; what her reply says is that its not her fault and it's up to you to get over it. she's not meeting you half way at all.

No matter how many times I think I can include my mother in my life its a mistake, whether its to be there when i need support (she kicks me when I'm down), to celebrate successes (she criticizes them or ignores them) or to just be a part of my life (everything is about her or she shuts me out). this last time I realized that I can love her and not have her in my life. Because she's just going to be mean and nothing i share will be good enough.

she missed your wedding. she went to the grand canyon when you had your tumor removed. don't let her hurt you, it doesn't matter if your strong enough to with stand it YOU DON'T HAVE TO. You have a beautiful life full of people you love WHO LOVE YOU BACK. Don't waste energy on someone who sabotages and hurts you.

While driving my mother home from Nashville (so she could save money on a flight, and not have to drive a rental, and i JUST started driving 6 months ago) AND I drove her 6+ hours both way and got no thank you. she yelled at me "well you just do whatever you want to do" in the most passive aggressive tone. I thought of you and keith when I replied "you're goddamn right I do."

Do you. See her if you want, and if you do, break a plate and tell us. But she doesn't deserve you. If she cares let her try to come to you. I wish you the best no matter what. Good luck.

[snowflake]

also... FUCK YOU TONI! lol jk jk jk jk I love you Mike Brown!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Steph]

Chemda, I see absolutely no indication that your mother has changed at all and is ready to engage with you as an adult human being.

If you choose to engage with your parents again, there is only one way to do it. You have to enter into in with the mindset of fully accepting them as they are, with all of their limitations. They have given absolutely no indication that they have changed in any way. If you want a relationship with them, it has to be with them as they are, not as you wish they were. They are NOT GOING TO CHANGE.

You have made yourself very clear to them. There does not seem to have been one iota of self-reflection on their part. Stop torturing yourself and let them go. At this point you can decide to work on yourself to the point that nothing they say or do could bother you, and engage with them in the manner that they are able, or you can let the relationship go and acknowledge that as painful as that is, it is the best thing you can do for yourself. It is the ultimate act of self-love to let go of a relationship that only harms you. It is not selfish, because by declaring that level of self-love and respect for yourself and who you are you are modeling to the many, many people out there who listen to you that they are capable of the same thing. Imagine if everyone refused to stay in relationships that were harmful and abusive?

It is very, very, sad, but your parents are not capable of giving you what you need. Instead of focusing on that, focus on the many, many amazing people who love you exactly as you are and are capable of not only giving you what you need but encouraging you to go further and higher in your development as a human being. Seriously, why waste your time with anyone who does not remotely recognize what an amazing human you are.

Again, the only reason to engage with your parents is that you feel sorry for them. I don't get the sense that this is what you want. If you want to give them a part of yourself because you want to be selfless in that way, you can choose to do that, but the only thing you will get in return is a sense of pride in yourself for being able to be so selfless. They are not going to give you back anything other than that. I don't get the sense that this is where you are at. Spending time with them will only cause you pain and will also cause them pain.

Cheryl Strayed who wrote the book Wild has a podcast called Dear Sugar, and she talks about how she has chosen not to have a relationship with her father anymore, because she came to realize she could not engage with him and also take care of herself. Paul Gilmartin same thing with his mom. This is never an easy decision, but ultimately it is about choosing yourself. Your parents are adult human beings and you are not responsible for their happiness. It is sad that our culture teaches parents something different, that our children are supposed to stay loyal to us no matter what, but it just isn't true.

Sending you so much love.

Steph Ellis

[Lanfear]

Originally Posted by snowflake

No, please don't do this to yourself.

I recently gave my mother another chance. It was a huge mistake. I knew within 5 minutes.

Even your mother, her response to your email is JUST WHAT YOU SAID YOU DON'T WANT. It's dismissive of all your concerns and feelings. And yeah I'm sure "have a nice life" is sincere. Its still passive aggressive; what her reply says is that its not her fault and it's up to you to get over it. she's not meeting you half way at all.

No matter how many times I think I can include my mother in my life its a mistake, whether its to be there when i need support (she kicks me when I'm down), to celebrate successes (she criticizes them or ignores them) or to just be a part of my life (everything is about her or she shuts me out). this last time I realized that I can love her and not have her in my life. Because she's just going to be mean and nothing i share will be good enough.

she missed your wedding. she went to the grand canyon when you had your tumor removed. don't let her hurt you, it doesn't matter if your strong enough to with stand it YOU DON'T HAVE TO. You have a beautiful life full of people you love WHO LOVE YOU BACK. Don't waste energy on someone who sabotages and hurts you.

While driving my mother home from Nashville (so she could save money on a flight, and not have to drive a rental, and i JUST started driving 6 months ago) AND I drove her 6+ hours both way and got no thank you. she yelled at me "well you just do whatever you want to do" in the most passive aggressive tone. I thought of you and keith when I replied "you're goddamn right I do."

Do you. See her if you want, and if you do, break a plate and tell us. But she doesn't deserve you. If she cares let her try to come to you. I wish you the best no matter what. Good luck.

I agree with all of this and I'm in very minimal contact with my mother as well so I completely get it but my father and siblings are pretty great so cutting off all contact is not really feasible for me.

I voted Chemda should try an in person meeting while her parents are in town because clearly email communication is not working and talking on the phone while mom is just a mile away might feel unnecessarily strange and give a bad vibe.
As terrible as that sounds experiencing the full extend of rudeness in person without the blame that can be given to language/technology barriers can be a nice confirmation that you are indeed doing the right thing by breaking contact.

[Scorpion]

Chemda,
I think you know the answer in your gut but you don't want to accept it.
I voted for see her and break a plate.
I think it could be therapeutic for you to really release your anger, sadness and disappointment regarding the relationship you have with your parents.
On the other hand, you have hashed this out before. Opening up old wounds is not always the healthiest thing to do.

You may call this non-advise but I think you need to do for you what you need to do. Just make sure you are acting in your best interest and not out obligation or fear. Fear of being rejected again, fear of hurting her feelings, or any thing else that might happen. What is the worst that can happen and what realistically is the best thing that can happen out of this conversation? The worst is really what you have now, I can't tell you what the best realistically could be (but I bet you know this already).

Don't give your Mother another chance, give Chemda a chance. A chance to continue to move on with your awesome life or to clear things off your chest. It sounds to me like reconciliation and a mutually beneficial relationship between you and your Mother is not realistic, but you really already know this is true or not. I have a very superficial relationship with my oldest sister and brother, it's best that way. I have never agreed with just about anything they have ever said or done. I don't feel I need a more meaningful relationship and they don't know the difference. But I'm OK with that.

I can sum this up... don't read any of the above and do this... TRUST IN CHEMDA and do what you already know to be best. But let us know what happens either way, for god sake don't hold out on us!